Free Book Reports
Feel free to copy and paste these book reports! They might get you a "C" or better in an eighth grade English class, assuming that: a) You find and delete (or correct) the three untrue sentences I have hidden in each book report, b) your teacher has not seen this web page, and c) your teacher has extremely low standards.
Book Report: The Big Crunch
My friends and me like to read really intense and exciting romance books and Mrs. Anderson gave me this so me and my friend Chelsea both read it and wow. That is all I can say is wow. Pete Haufman, what was he thinking? WHERE ARE THE VAMPIRES? Okay so what no vampires or even a werewolf but come on. If this book had just one vampire it would for sure be a bestseller.
The story is this. She doesn’t like anybody but he’s okay and he is kind of boring but he thinks she looks like a fish. That is ROMANCE? That is NOT romance! This book had many themes. This book had too many themes. One theme is The Big Crunch, which is about atoms and stuff. The other theme is True Love, which is frankly sort of boring, even in the end when they fly into space in his car or something. I found four metaphors in this book. They are the universe, bowling, and garages. I also found three swear words. Not the really bad ones, but still. They start with H, B, and D. The author lives in Minnesota, Wisconsin and he has a dog and according to his website his favorite color is clear. 214 words (including these) Book Report: Godless
Godless is the book that I read for this report. It is about some weird kids who decide to be water tower worshippers, so they start a religion called Chutengodianism. The book was written by Pete Hautman, who writes a lot of books and once ate 22 hot dogs in 15 minutes.
The first thing that happens in Godless is that Jason gets clocked by a guy named Henry, who is smaller than him. Jason gets the idea then to start a religion, Pretty soon his friend Shin is into the religion too. Shin is even weirder than Jason and Henry. The best part is where they all climb up to the top of the water tower at night and go swimming and almost drown, and Henry falls off, and they all get caught. There is a lot of stuff about being Catholic in this book, which Jason is but doesn't like. They are always arguing about God and stuff, which might make some people uncomfortable, especially the part about cannibalism. There is also a bunch of stuff about snails and comic books. I thought it was a pretty good book considering that it is mostly about things that I am not interested in, and it had no sword fights or interesting creatures or cyborgs like on Terminator which is really cool. The only really amazing part in it was when the water tower speaks to Jason in his sleep and tells him to slay his parents. The book is not what you think it will be, because in the end the main kid, Jason, doesn't figure anything out, really. Instead he just gets more confused that ever, but at least his dad is less of a jerk than he was at first. 300 words (including these). Book Report: Invisible
Note: This one probably won’t even get you a “D”, but if you’re really desperate you could give it a shot. Don’t forget to fix the errors--there might not be exactly three.
The book that I decided to read and then read all of is a book called Invisible by Pete Hauptmann, the guy who wrote it. It is 176 pages long, which is shorter than some of the other books on the list, and there are several pictures which also helps, and it is about a loser named Douglas Fancypants Hanson who likes model trains, naked girls, and fires. There are no dragons or things like that, but he does have a really cranky cat named Mr. Whiskers. Doug has an actually cool friend named Andy Morrow who plays soccer and buys him Butterfingers. But there is a mystery because why would a cool guy like Andy want to be friends with a loser like Doug? Personally I wouldn’t have anything to do with Doug because for one thing I suspect he smells weird. I completely understood it why some kids beat him up for being a stalker or something, even though weirdo Doug didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. Then when his parents try to send Doug away to this creepy prison school, he goes postal and sets all these plastic people on fire. Later on he is living in some other world or something, or maybe it’s hell, or else he’s completely crazy and hallucinating—the author does not really let you know, which is completely unfair and why I do not recommend this book. Also it was very unbelievable, but I enjoyed reading it anyways because it was shorter than Great Expectations and more interesting than The Boring Old Man and the Even More Boring Sea, which is mostly this guy floating around on a stupid boat trying to catch a whale or something, so I guess for a book report it was okay. 302 words (including these) Book Report: Mr. Was
The book that I read is called Mr. Was by an author by the name of Pete Hautman. The book Mr. Was is two hundred and fifty-five pages long , and it is about a boy named Jack who meets his grandfather for the first time as the grandfather, whose name is Skoro, is dying in the hospital bed that he is lying in. Later we learn that Skoro is actually the dragon Uthgarthun. Then the grandfather tries to strangle Jack by choking him, and then Jack passes out and the grandfather dies. After that, Jack and his mom go to a town called Memory where Jack runs into an invisible man on a bicycle. Jack finds out that there is a closet in the big house that used to be his grandfather's house that has a metal door inside of it, and when he goes through the metal door in the closet he ends up back in 1941 where he makes friends with a guy named Scud and an girl named Andie. And then he goes back. But Jack's dad, who is a drunk, shows up kills Jack's mom by making her eat a poison mushroom. So Jack goes back to 1941 so he can stop his dad from killing his mom, and he joins the army and goes to Guadalcanal to fight the Japanese and Scud tries to kill him because he is in love with Andie. Then the Dragon, Uthgarthun, gives Jack the power to compel people to obey him, but steals his memory in payment. Jack gets all messed up in his head and forgets who he is but somehow he winds up as an old man named Mr. Was back in the town called Memory, and when he finally figures out who he is and why he is there, it's too late and his dad kills his mom all over again and then hangs himself. And then Jack goes off to live on an island with Andie, who turns out to be his grandmother. Also, there is this weird guy named Boggs, but I have no idea what his deal was.
365 words (including these). |
Book Report: The Obsidian Blade I picked this book because it had the coolest cover of all the books on the list. I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I have found that books that do not have cool covers are often quite boring. Like one of the other books just had writing on the cover which guarantees extreme boringness in my opinion. This book is about round circles in the air called diskos that people go through and end up in weird places like on top of a pyramid with priests that stab you in the heart or inside of a whale. It is quite violent at times, which is good because some of the in between parts are kind of boring, but not boring enough to stop reading completely, just boring like waiting for a bus that is late and you’re really bored but also kind of anxious because you really want the bus to show up. The main character is Tucker Flay, and his motivation is mostly that he wants to find his parents who went through this hole. Also, he is trying not to get killed or turned into a zombie. Then this biker guy lives in a black barn and burns off his mustache, and a lot of other stuff happens which is even weirder, like one part where a giant worm starts eating people, and the part where Tucker’s mom goes crazy because she’s addicted to Sudoku. There are no themes, just weird things happening, so I guess the main theme is just weirdness. Mostly, this was an okay book except for the boring parts and the ending which I didn’t get at all. I would recommend it to anyone who likes weird boring books that kind of leave you hanging at the end wondering what just happened. 310 words (including these) Book Report: Rash
Rash, by Pete Hautman, is about polar bears, pizza, artificial intelligence, mass hysteria, football, head transplants, and a talking monkey. It takes place about seventy years in the future when everything fun is against the law. You can get sent to jail for road rage, or eating too much, or forgetting to wear your safety equipment. Twenty percent of the people living in the United Safer States of America are in jail, so all the manual labor in the country is done by prisoners.
I thought this was a sports book when I picked it up because of the cover, but it’s more like science fiction. Some parts are pretty funny, but it’s also kind of sad because the future looks like it could be no fun at all, kind of like that book Feed, which is good too, only by some other guy with initials instead of a first name. Bo Marsten, the hero, is in love with this girl, and when she goes out with another guy he loses it and tries to hit the other guy and ends up in prison in Canada making pizzas for McDonalds and being chased by polar bears and playing tackle football which is illegal because everything that can possibly hurt anybody is against the law. Bo has only two friends--a talking troll he invented on his computer for his AI class, and an unstoppable fat kid named Rhino. It sounds goofy, but it all makes sense when you read it, except for maybe the part about the mechanical dog that does everything a real dog does including pooping. The funniest parts of the book are when Bo talks to Bork, his pet artificial intelligence. I also liked the football scenes and the snowmobile races. 300 words (including these) Book Report: Sweetblood
The idea in Sweetblood is that hundreds of years ago the vampire legends were started because of people having diabetes and starting to act weird and look weird, like having longer teeth and white skin and being really thirsty and afraid of sunlight. In some ways the book is very scientific. But mostly it is just about a girl named Lucy Szabo who is goth and not-goth, and is really pissed off at just about everybody especially her parents.
It starts because Lucy gets bit by a bat when she is a little kid, and she has to get rabies shots, and then she gets diabetes. She thinks she got diabetes because of the bat or the rabies shots. Lucy has a nerdy friend named Mark, and then she gets a crush on this cool kid named Dylan, and he introduces her to a bunch of his goth friends, and this creepy guy named Wayne who is creepy because he is completely normal except for the fact that he throws booze parties for kids and raises butterflies for a hobby. He also drives around in a hearse painted yellow. Meanwhile, Lucy is having trouble with her diabetes, which makes her act really weird sometimes, and she almost freezes to death but the nerdy guy saves her, which I thought was sort of hokey but most of the rest of the book is good, except for the part where Lucy has to write a book report on The Old Man and the Sea. The author, Pete Hautman, is interesting because he has diabetes too, which was what made him write the book. He is also a well-known vampire. I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in vampires, diabetes, gothism, or just a good story. Three hundred and six words (including these). Book Report: Blank Confession
The setting of Blank Confession is in a high school, and there is a kid named Shayne Blank who goes to the police and confesses to a murder, and there are many metaphors like in Moby Dick when the whale goes all ninja on the peg leg guy. I could not find any themes. That’s all I got. Sorry.
LOL. Just kidding. The themes of this book are bullying, drugs, motorcycles, and tasers. The stun gus are one of the most important themes according to the YouTube videos made by the author. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who likes fighting. I mean, it's not The Matrix, but there are some awesome fights. Like when Shayne takes on this pro wrestler named The Claw. There is also a cop and this really short kid named Mikey from Jamaica in the book, but the best parts are the parts with Shayne. I think the author should make this book into a movie because of all the action and this one motorcycle chase. He could make a lot of money. He would probably have to make the Jamaican kid taller though, and instead of stun guns he should have lasers. There were many other things that could improve this book, but I digest. Blank Confession is an aspiring work of literature and I am proud to have read it. When the movie comes out I will recommend it to all my friends. 246 words (including these) |
